I feel like completely vegetating all night and all weekend.  Which I won't, because I've been like the intellectual energizer bunny lately - constantly working through these intese theoretical paradigms and working to apply them to my problem.  I feel like I finally made some breakthroughs yesterday after struggling through this morass of psychoanalytic and semiotic critical texts so that I really have something innovative to say on paper that got accepted at an academic conference in Feb: The Hero in the Playground of the Id: An Inquiry into why Twilight is Popular. 

But really, this is a philosophical inquiry that I've been working through over the past few years regarding my love for young adult literature - I feel like I'm finally tracing some of the threads of that attraction, and also, my own personal philosophy of the place of storytelling in one's personal and public life.  Thinking and working through it all is LITERALLY keeping me up at night - I've had the worst insomnia because the idea-mill refuses to stop churning.

I went and saw New Moon this afternoon - luckily bought my tickets ahead of time because the ENTIRE day's shows were already sold out by 3pm.  So I watched that, then feel like I have this overload of new data to incorperate with all that I've already been thinking about.

And I want to submit an alternate version of the paper to a book of academic essays about Twilight, so I've been trying to finalize that abstract.  And I have a presentation due in another class this coming up Tuesday about three other theoretical frameworks - analyzing critical articles, identifying underlying theoretical base, and applying it to a Hemingway short story.

And what I really want to do is curl up and vegetate.  Soak in, without contemplating.  Just. Be. Without thinking about being, you know?

But then, what I really want is more time and energy because all of this is lighting my ass on fire to get cracking at my own YA novel (left in the dust now for a month) and enrich it with all this new shit I've been learning and feeling.  The thing is - I LOVE everything that I'm doing - all the new things that I'm learning - I feel like it's been an explosion of contemplative exposure - my courses in literature have turned into courses about life, and seeing the world, and I'm completely fucking awed by it.

Gosh, as the semester has progressed, I feel like I have less time for everything, and everyone.  I have at least ten things I want to be doing at once, and just enough time and energy for one.  I want to be writing fiction, researching for a paper, finishing an abstract to submit to a conference, painting, reading for class, reading for fun, spending time with friends, emailing other friends, catching up with family, playing with my kid, and sleeping, lots of sleeping. 

Unfortunately, as I'm only managing one at a time, I've been focusing on research for the past two weeks - for a paper for class and for the conference abstract (two birds with one stone, you know), and hating that I don't have time to work on Persephone too.  Just another month, I keep thinking, and then I'll have a whole month to focus on it before the Spring semester.  Let's just not think about all that is due in the month between now and when school is done!!

School is awesome by the way - I don't think I've updated since I was first bitching about it.  The students aren't any more clever, but there's a few smart kids in the bunch, and the reading regularly blows my mind, especially in my critical theories class.  And the research I'm doing on my own for each class is pretty awesome.

What else is new?  The front of my hair is blue now (keep meaning to post pictures), we had a fabulous halloween, I painted a new painting, as seems to be my winter tradition (again, keep meaning to post pics), I've come up with a basic idea for my thesis, Dragos is working himself to the bone between full time work and 3 grad school classes, Joseph is growing and adorable, and I'm thrilled that the second season of Legend of the Seeker has started, and I miss all my friends I haven't hung out with in forever!

I was reminded again today that doing art is most often about working and practicing when the mood or inspiration isn't striking.  It's about the day to day, as oft-quoted Jane Yolen put it, of "Butt In Chair".  Writing and painting when you DON'T feel like it, practicing a craft to become great is just like atheletes working out for hours a day.  Oh god, did I just use a sports metaphor?  I hate sports metaphors, but you get the idea.  Other people work hard hours practicing to become good at what they do, I don't know why we think art becomes "stiff" or "formalized" if you do it when not in the mood because there's a presupposition that it should be this magical process of some muse taking over our body and producing Art.  Maybe it's just a lot of hard work.  Maybe we use the tired phrase of needing "inspiration" as and excuse for procrastination.  If I only wrote when a thunderstorm struck and I had the perfect cup of coffee while listening to the perfect piece of music for that shining moment when I was really "in it", I'd write maybe ten pages a year. 

I'm trying to get into the discipline of writing a 1,000 words a day, or about 4-5 pages, but then again, I'm in the kick-it first draft writing phase right now, so it's the get-words-into-the-blank-pages kind of writing and play around to mold it later.  Pages produced, in the right 'voice' (voice being the new Big Idea affecting my writing lately).  I'd say that's my primary focus right now.

Oh, and you know, grad school.  Which is starting to really rock my socks off, as far as the things I'm learning.  The classes themselves are still not uber-great, but all the reading I'm doing is really awesome - pushing the boundaries on my thinking kind of stuff.  Both classes are challenging me with new ways to see the world and humanity.  I could go off on all this stuff, and maybe I will soon.  But today I mainly just wanted to express the thought: making art has to be a discipline just like everything else.  The discipline should certainly be mixed in with some love and ethos, but nothing will ever get done without Butt In Chair.